Caroline Rance, author of a blog called Writing and All That, looked through tons of lousy Victorian jokes and found the real nuggets, the best of the best, for the blogosphere's enjoyment. So, being a particularly lazy college student about to start a Thanksgiving break full of work and holiday stress, I lifted all of the jokes and have posted them for your viewing pleasure. Go ahead, judge me. Bet you'll thank me after reading the last joke.
Dyspepsia specialist (irritably): But madam, you must chew your food. What were your teeth given you for?—
Female Patient (calmly): They weren’t given to me; I bought ‘em.
“Well,” announced Mr. Perkabie to his wife “John and Mary have taken the first step toward divorce.”
“You don’t mean to say so! What on earth is the matter?”
“They have got married.”
Smith: “Were you ever in a railway disaster?”
Brown: “Yes, I once kissed the wrong girl in a tunnel.”
Fortune teller: “In the configurations on your palm, lady, I can trace your future husband.”
Lady: “Dear me! Perhaps you can also trace my present one, for I can’t!”
She: Then you believe in nothing?
He: I believe in what I can understand.
She: That’s what I mean!
Wife: It does seem hard that when a woman marries, she has to take her husband’s name.
He: Well, she takes everything else he’s got – why leave that out?
The Lover: For love of you, I could become anything! I could become a poet! I—
The Loved: Become a millionaire.
Life is short; only four letters in it. Three quarters of it is a “lie” and half of it is an “if.”
Lady: Here is sixpence; I hope you won’t waste any of it.
Beggar: No, lady, not a drop.
Doctor: Your mother-in-law must go immediately to a warm climate.
Man: Dear doctor, will you perform the operation?
“Grandmother is dead, you know, and her parrot died the very next day.”
“Very strange! The poor bird died of grief, I suppose?”
“No, I killed it with a poker.”