Thursday, May 27, 2010

"your blog now SUCKS!"

Or so my sister Leigh told me two days ago. Not because of the content, but rather lack of content.  Apparently she's been checking up on it.

She has a point.  I never thought the blog would get this bad.  But as a fellow blogger told me on Tuesday night, when we were discussing our failures to update, maybe it's good he's not writing.  He tends to write the poems that fill his blog posts when he is depressed.

I had to think about that for a while.  In a way, the height of my blog was the height of the depression I experienced in college.  Last November, when I was posting every single day, I was also trying hard to get used to anti-depressants and trying to find a job and failing.

Then I got my museum job, and almost immediately the blogging stopped. Why was that?  Because I had achieved an impossible dream.

The last day of my internship at Bushy Run, back in August 2008, I recall looking at the museum as I pulled into work that day, fully aware that it was my last opportunity to do so. The stone building was bathed in the soft glow of a cool summer morning that was rapidly turning into a hot summer day.  Sheltered by the surrounding greenery of the woods, the image was picturesque.   Within the building were people I cared about, work I enjoyed, and a mission I respected.  And I thought, "How wonderful would it be to come to work here every single day.  Too bad I will never have that chance."

When I found out, a little over a year later, that there might be a position opening at Bushy Run that would be perfect for a soon-to-be college graduate like me, I pretended that the plan would never come to fruition.  When it actually did, I sent in my resume and  managed to convince myself that I wouldn't get the job, to the point where I actually began to cry about losing the job before I had even been interviewed.

I was so surprised and ecstatic when that call finally came in that I had been chosen for the job, my dream job.  Nothing got in the way.  It was as if the depression I had struggled with throughout college had dissipated.

Unfortuantely, so did my dedication to this blog.  Notice my updates almost stopped in March and have generally decreased since then.  That sort of saddens me.  This blog is my baby.  I love it and have cherished it.  But I have also abandoned it.

I hope to continue to update. Victoriana and neo-Victorian culture is still alive in me.  I wore my lavender Victorian blouse and a white skirt today and styled my hair similar to the Grecian coiffures in many cameo necklace.  I sang along to Emilie Autumn's "Misery Loves Company" when the shuffle application in my Sansa e260 switched to that song.  But the blog has slowly faded into the background.

Different stressors replaced it.   Necessary stressors, not bad, debilitating ones I faced while in college.

I moved back home and am dealing with being an adult child under my parents' roof.  There are difficulties with seeing friends left behind at Pittsburgh on a regular basis. With this new museum facilitator position at Bushy Run have been thrust into a leadership role that I never would have expected to have right out of college- I don't have one single boss, but a committee of nine people who have to make decisions among themselves about what my role is to be.  This has led to me creating most of my own work and projects for the site.  So far I have coordinated a Mother's Day tea party (of the non-political variety, people!) and am now preparing our site for a croquet tournament fundraiser that we were invited to, much of the work done on my own.

I do have volunteers who have helped me tremendously on these projects, as well as on a daily basis with the basic operation of the museum.  But there are close to 100 volunteers associated with the site and part of my job is to coordinate them and make sure we have enough of them for events or the daily operation, or overseeing tasks they complete for the site.

As a result of these stressors, I end up taking a lot of work home with me, and spend extra time trying to make things right or do simple tasks that take up time at work and which I can't give my volunteers. Such as tonight. A job I don't particularly relish, folding business letters and stuffing envelopes, had to be taken home with me when a volunteer was unable to complete it.  So I spent the greater part of this evening doing that task.  To pass the time, I popped in the Guy Ritchie version of Sherlock Holmes, my first viewing of it since it came out on DVD.  And I laughed heartily the entire time.  Every single bro moment, every single joke, Holmes' eccentricity:
(the opening scenes, before Holmes and Watson surprise Blackwood's black magic ceremony)
Watson: Did you bring your revolver?
Holmes:  I knew I forgot something.  I thought I had left the stove on.
Waston:  You did. 
I realized I do miss Victorian culture.  As much as I love Bushy Run; as much as my attention is diverted to the 18th century Native American/white colonist relations, warfare, and frontier life; and as little as I look at fashion or listen to depressing music like Emilie Autumn right now (yes, her music can get depressing if you listen to it long enough); I will never drop the interest in all things Victorian.

But if Hashim's observation of his own blog is correct, then I hope my lack of writing on this blog is not necessarily a bad thing.  I feel hope once again for my own future, something I did not have for three years.  I am happy to wake up in the morning instead of wishing that I had never woken up.  I no longer cry for no reason.  I socialize more than I ever have and I can excuse myself for my shortcomings, things I struggled with when I was depressed

If I only really write intensively when I am depressed, then I would give up writing for happiness without a second thought.

1 comment:

  1. Words can liberate us, take us away from our state of mind, and fly us up in skies we never imagined..maybe an escape...a way out that we desperately want at some point...
    l look quite, but the "scribbles" scream..!
    but, hey, this is maybe right for poems....why should it be for beautiful victorian posts? ;)

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