Friday, April 29, 2011

monster

I just heard two correspondents on CNN analyze Prince William and Kate Middleton's two quick kisses after today's wedding ceremony.  Seriously, who cares?  Just be happy for their marriage!

I apologize for the lack of good posts this week.  There has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster running off the tracks here, culminating in an emotional explosion last night.  I hesitate to get more detailed, as I really hate sharing personal details on this blog.  But I think it deals with many things that are relevant to this blog, including: depression, suicide, societal exile, and evil rats whose true nature comes out at the big showdown atop Big Ben.

Now I've probably got most you thoroughly confused.  What the fuck am I talking about?

I have a Victorian bogeyman who literally haunts most of my current nightmares.  I carry pictures of him around in my wallet.  Every time I share a nightmare with the counselor I see for my depression I show her one of three forms that the bogeyman has taken within my subconscious:

image source: The Disney Wiki

image source: Wickedpedia

image source: Wickedpedia
Yes, I know that picture one and two are essentially the same.  But I get different emotions when I look at them, oddly enough.
    How did this all start?

    Flashback to 1992.  I am five years old.  I watch The Great Mouse Detective in a movie theater with my grandmother, uncle, and two of my three sisters (the third had not been born yet.)  Months later I am sick with a high fever.  I dream that the bogeyman, in the form he takes in the third picture, is chasing me across the rooftops of Victorian London .  He finally catches me in a moonlight-bathed bedroom, rips me apart body part by body part, and leaves the pieces of me lying on the floor as he departs.

    There are no more nightmares in my youth, but as a protection against the bogeyman I develop an obsession with defeating him.  At first they are the basis of stories in my head.  By the time I am fifteen I try my hand at putting the stories onto a Word Document on my parents' computer and start publishing them on online fanfiction websites.  He represents power, passion, possession, insanity, and unadulterated evil beneath a veneer of suave gentlemanly civility.  I have written about twelve odd stories depicting this conflict.  The last of these stories, written when I was eighteen and being forced by my family to sacrifice my own happiness for the happiness of one of my sisters (or risk being rejected by said family if I didn't) has culminated into the novel that I have been trying to edit for the past five years.

    What I don't realize is that this bogeyman has become a huge part of my association with control and being taken advantage of by others.  For the first time since 1992 he's made guest appearances in my nightmares, and I've only just recently come to realize why.  The qualities he possesses in my subconscious are the same that one member of my family in particular has displayed to me over and over again, especially because I refuse to be in her control.  To not be in her control, however, makes me an outcast to my immediate family.  And who wants to be rejected by their family, especially a family that doesn't seem all that bad to the outside world?

    When I was working on defeating the bogeyman in my writing the nightmares didn't happen.  Now that I am not writing as much I think he's popping up again in my brain to remind me that there is unfinished business in my daily life.  But I don't like the form he's taking at all- the first two forms.  He's hiding the evil through false impressions.  He says he has the best intentions for me, but he's really just violating me and my rights to be my own person.  He has physically tied me down in my subconscious to prevent me from even killing myself in one of my dreams, which I tried to do so he couldn't use me anymore.

    I wonder if my suicidal thoughts come from this desire to end the controlling nature of the relationships that I have with my family members.  Any thoughts?


    Despite his unwelcome role in my psyche, Professor Ratigan must be credited more so than anything else with my obsession with the Victorian era.  When I started writing the stories fighting him I determined to do it on his turf- the polluted air and dingy streets of seedy 1890s London.  Thus began my extensive researches into the Victorian era.

    2 comments:

    1. That's very interesting. I'm glad that you seem to find an outlet through writing, and that this led you to one of your primary hobbies, researching the Victorians. Hopefully you can channel all this powerful emotion into finishing and publishing a really epic novel! In the meantime, please accept my sincere condolences for your family troubles. I hesitate to offer advice because I don't know the people involved, but I think I can safely say that maintaining a relationship with someone is not worth sacrificing your mental health. Good luck with counseling, and keep us posted.

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    2. Becky,

      Thank you for your encouraging words. I think you are right, some relationships are not worth keeping if they come at the price of one's own sanity.

      Cheers,

      Lauren @ Unlacing the Victorians

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