|Which, ironically enough, looks almost exactly like this one.|
image source: The Prepared Pantry
Since April I felt at peace with the depression in many ways... like it had finally decided to die and a rock inscribed with the capitals R.I.P. was all that was left to mar my memories. I did have enough sense to know then that it was only dormant, but I took full advantage of its indifference to torturing me by having a pretty good summer. Sure, it resurrected itself every so often, but it always managed to go away after a few days or so. It never stuck around longer than four days, and gave me time to take care of other issues that would have otherwise left me a mess had it decided to poke its nose in my life at that time.
I wouldn't say that my sadness has transitioned from the spaced-out cases of the blues that struck at various times this summer to a full-blown depression, but the attacks of the blues have become more frequent and more vicious since I returned from my European trip. I know why in a vague sense. I haven't eaten well or exercised enough in the past few weeks, I used my boss's month-long trip to India as an excuse to turn into a cranky workaholic by trying to make his businesses "perfect" when he himself is just fine with "getting by," and the constant web of relationships any somewhat sociable human has in their life is always a balancing act between delightful mutual enjoyment of each other's company and mental and emotional stress when misunderstandings, real or imagined shortcomings, and vulnerabilities arise.
The sadness has gotten noticeably worse, however, and I am rather alarmed. The insomnia has returned, as has my inability to get up in the mornings after a night mostly spent fretting at work until two in the morning trying to make sure everything is filed away and nothing new is left for the next morning.
I guess my major issues are these:
- Trying too hard to be perfect all of the time
- Not knowing when to say "No" to others when they demand too much time and resources from my limited supply (like a boss who has spent the last four weeks in India makes too many odd demands on my abilities at strange hours and then doesn't even tell me that he will extend his Indian holiday one additional week because I am doing too good of a job)
- Comparing myself to everyone else and what I perceive as their successes
- Continually contemplating the Meaning of Life and my Great Life Purpose in a metaphorical Heaven v. Hell sort of way
What a ridiculous list.
I need to reorganize what it most important to me. Like focus on my actual career goals. Being a personal assistant/secretary is not what I wanted to do with my life, although I will admit that I have always recognized my mad office managing abilities. But I hardly do any sort of fiction writing anymore, and my history readings have mostly gone to the wayside as well (excepting the Victorian Era, of course.)
Also, I need to teach that little voice in my head to stop being so negative. To not be such a miserable little nag, but rather a helping hand, a friendly word of advice to put me back on track. Anyone have any ideas on how to effectively do that?
Is there anything in your life that you need to reprioritize?