Tuesday, December 18, 2012

early winter burn-out

Well, I am home sick for the day, despite this being a ridiculously busy time for me and my department at work.  I've just been doing too much, most of which I put on myself- helping to run goth nights at The Ironworks for Club Arkham (now you get why I've been "advertising" that on my blog), extra work for Black Hearts Clothing (which I recently became a part of) and trying to get in my steampunk socializing have resulted in major guilt from having to cancel a lot of things last minute.

It also hasn't helped that I very recently made the colossal decision, to cut down on my anti-depression and anti-anxiety medication.  My current doctor has only been my doctor for one visit (my regular doctor was recently forced to let go of all of his patients) and I did talk to the new doc about my desire to cut back.  He knows nothing about me, so of course said that if I felt ready to do it I should.  I also have forgotten to take the pills for a few mornings rather recently, resulting in terrible withdrawal symptoms.  Since I have been relatively anxiety-free for the past few months and happier, I thought that now was an idea time to cut my daily dose in half.

Well... I've had mixed results.  I haven't noticed my depression worsening- on the contrary, for the most part my mood has been pretty stable- but my anxiety has gotten much worse.  Of course, with all of the extra work I've taken on since I cut down, it's hard to say whether it's the change of dosage or not that's causing the worst of the anxiety.  Instances of insomnia have increased, but my memory seems to be doing a bit better than in the more recent past.

Also, some of my old desires have come back- the desire to write, to run.  Knowing that I was writing fiction eagerly up until I took this medication, I wonder if it killed some of those desires.

So I am back on a bumpy road, and my path over the next few months are uncertain.  I have a rare opportunity, through my job, to potentially go on a scientific dig.  Unfortunately, as a non-scientist, I will have to pay my own way, and what with civil unrest in the particular country of the dig it may be cancelled last minute.  But I need my writing more than ever now- to prove the value of non-scientific staff to scientific expeditions.  So I need to get rid of the "life unwanted," so to speak- throw out all of that trash and rediscover my own creativity.  Most of the reasons I had been anxious when I went on the medication in the first place is gone.  I've added difficulties onto myself over the past few weeks.  I've learned to say "no" to my family.  Now I need to learn to say "no" to people who are not family.  I am competent and generous and impatient.  I need to take care of me, to re-remember that selfishness can be healthy to a degree.

I am not Wonder Woman.  I have a breaking point. I need to remember that.

So today's sickness is most likely my body telling me that I need a break, that I have a career and friends and family more important to me than the silly things I have been focusing on at present.  I need to work on getting my career down (i.e. be well rested to do my best at the museums) to spend time with the friends who will help me make the healthiest decisions for myself, and to try to nurture good family relations and not feed the poisonous ones.

10 comments:

  1. Well, if you're ever awake at 2:00 a.m., you know who you can email to talk to, right? :o)

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  2. That is very true! I will have to keep that in mind! :)

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  3. I get tired out when I do too much, too. It has been very far for me to travel to university, and even to socialise with my friends, as they all live in the city. Public transport is very stressful too. I am amazed at all the stuff you have been doing, make sure you give yourself a good rest, you deserve it! The archaelogical trip sounds so exciting! I am glad you feel like writing again, and if you ever want, I would be happy to look at your writing :)

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    1. Thanks for the offer, Laura! I might take you up on it!

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  4. I hope you are feeling better now. I wish you luck on your cutting back on your meds and on going to the scientific dig.

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  5. As I'm on medication myself it is an interesting post. Your experiences can be helpful for me. I have also discovered that I'm not very interested in doing creative things like I was before. That is a negative thing with the medication since doing interesting things also makes one feel good.
    I would say that it is the stress that makes you anxious, or I guess anyway. I had a couple of stressful weeks and got sick of it, stayed at home weeping and sleeping for two days. And I have stayed on the same level all the time.
    I hope you will be able to rest during the holidays. Take care of yourself.

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    1. It is crazy, isn't it, how medication can be so helpful and so hindering at the same time. I hope that you might be able to get some of your creativity back, and on the road to a full recovery. I've been on this medication for three years, and am only now feeling comfortable enough to get off of it.

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  6. Take care of yourself. I get sick too when I've been putting too much on my plate. Lots of rest and plenty of fluids!

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