Tuesday, January 1, 2013

end of an era

Happy New Year's dear readers. Maybe 2013 be better than 2012 was.

It pains me to write this, but I had some news to share- I am temporarily shutting down this blog.

Several months ago (around the time of my hiatus) something terrible happened to me at a party. I was roofied (for my non-Native English speakers, that means that someone drugged my drink without my knowledge or approval).  I passed out in the front lawn of a friend's house on a 30-something degree night.  If I hadn't been found I could have froze to death.  Fortunatly I was discovered, but no one took me to the hospital because everyone just thought I was really drunk. Nevertheless, some people I know took care of me so no one was able to actually physically harm me.

It was only when I fully can back to consciousness the next morning that I realized that something bad had happened.  I went to the hospital and the police.  Unfortunately, the authorities will do absolutely nothing because I was not sexually assaulted or physically harmed as a result (although I don't see how having a strong sedative in your system without your permission is not considered to be "physical harm.")

The other problem is, this happened at an event with most of my close steampunk friends.

I have tried to recover from it mentally and emotionally. I joined some other alternative groups and tried to pack my schedule to overflowing in an attempt to get over it and show that I was not afraid of living after what had happened to me.

Instead I think I was running away from my problems instead of facing them. I am not having fun in this scene right now- steampunk, alternative, and goth. I am miserable and unhappy and still rather broken- partially because others are being hurt by what happened, and partially because I'm still afraid. As a result steampunk has become rather hateful to me out of a fear that I will run into the responsible party.

I am removing myself entirely from this scene effective now. I just need time to step back from steampunk, neo-Victorian culture, and all general alternativeness and decide if I really like this scene enough. I may have to join a different Pittsburgh steampunk group or I may drop it altogether. Before anyone accuses me of overreacting- this is something I have been considering doing since October. I have had much time to ponder it more so in the free time I've had in the past few weeks. Such a break will help ME, and in my world I am numero uno. I need to come first. My safety, my mental health, and my happiness are too important.

And who knows- maybe steampunk and my blog were distracting me from finishing the editing on my Victorian historical fiction novel I wrote eight years ago.

I apologize for the hurt feelings that may result from this decision. I did not intend to personally hurt anyone. I don't blame the scene- I blame the bad egg(s) who did this to me. But I strongly believe that my career, my future, and my overall happiness and wellness are more important than hanging out with people who I can't fully trust right now.

I am shutting down this blog because, like my steampunk hobby, it has ceased to be fun in light of what happened.  I need to reevaluate and see whether it is worth continuing or if that, too, needs to go by the wayside.  I predict that I will be gone for some months.  In that time I will focus on my fiction writing, a regular exercise regimen, and hope to be fully off of my medication by then.  I have been pursing a no-alcohol policy since the incident and hope to also start a healthier eating regimen as well.  Despite what happened, my depression IS getting better.  I just need to focus on helping it along without fear of poisonous individuals trying to stop me in my tracks.

Thank you, dear readers, for being so supportive of this blog.  Thank you for sharing your experiences, your interests, and your steampunk and neo-Victorian discoveries.  I hope to be back one day.