Tuesday, January 1, 2013

end of an era

Happy New Year's dear readers. Maybe 2013 be better than 2012 was.

It pains me to write this, but I had some news to share- I am temporarily shutting down this blog.

Several months ago (around the time of my hiatus) something terrible happened to me at a party. I was roofied (for my non-Native English speakers, that means that someone drugged my drink without my knowledge or approval).  I passed out in the front lawn of a friend's house on a 30-something degree night.  If I hadn't been found I could have froze to death.  Fortunatly I was discovered, but no one took me to the hospital because everyone just thought I was really drunk. Nevertheless, some people I know took care of me so no one was able to actually physically harm me.

It was only when I fully can back to consciousness the next morning that I realized that something bad had happened.  I went to the hospital and the police.  Unfortunately, the authorities will do absolutely nothing because I was not sexually assaulted or physically harmed as a result (although I don't see how having a strong sedative in your system without your permission is not considered to be "physical harm.")

The other problem is, this happened at an event with most of my close steampunk friends.

I have tried to recover from it mentally and emotionally. I joined some other alternative groups and tried to pack my schedule to overflowing in an attempt to get over it and show that I was not afraid of living after what had happened to me.

Instead I think I was running away from my problems instead of facing them. I am not having fun in this scene right now- steampunk, alternative, and goth. I am miserable and unhappy and still rather broken- partially because others are being hurt by what happened, and partially because I'm still afraid. As a result steampunk has become rather hateful to me out of a fear that I will run into the responsible party.

I am removing myself entirely from this scene effective now. I just need time to step back from steampunk, neo-Victorian culture, and all general alternativeness and decide if I really like this scene enough. I may have to join a different Pittsburgh steampunk group or I may drop it altogether. Before anyone accuses me of overreacting- this is something I have been considering doing since October. I have had much time to ponder it more so in the free time I've had in the past few weeks. Such a break will help ME, and in my world I am numero uno. I need to come first. My safety, my mental health, and my happiness are too important.

And who knows- maybe steampunk and my blog were distracting me from finishing the editing on my Victorian historical fiction novel I wrote eight years ago.

I apologize for the hurt feelings that may result from this decision. I did not intend to personally hurt anyone. I don't blame the scene- I blame the bad egg(s) who did this to me. But I strongly believe that my career, my future, and my overall happiness and wellness are more important than hanging out with people who I can't fully trust right now.

I am shutting down this blog because, like my steampunk hobby, it has ceased to be fun in light of what happened.  I need to reevaluate and see whether it is worth continuing or if that, too, needs to go by the wayside.  I predict that I will be gone for some months.  In that time I will focus on my fiction writing, a regular exercise regimen, and hope to be fully off of my medication by then.  I have been pursing a no-alcohol policy since the incident and hope to also start a healthier eating regimen as well.  Despite what happened, my depression IS getting better.  I just need to focus on helping it along without fear of poisonous individuals trying to stop me in my tracks.

Thank you, dear readers, for being so supportive of this blog.  Thank you for sharing your experiences, your interests, and your steampunk and neo-Victorian discoveries.  I hope to be back one day.


  1. Take care of yourself, Clementine Dahling. ❤

  2. I am so sorry this happened to you. Losing trust in others is a most devastating thing. I hope you come back, but in the meantime I hope you can heal.

  3. I am really sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine what it feels like, but it has to be a horrible thing. I'm glad you weren't physically harmed, but you were still harmed. It really sucks that the authorities don't see it that way.

    Anyway. I will miss the blog, but you have to do what you have to do for yourself. Take care of yourself - that's the most important thing. <3

  4. I'm sorry this happened to you. You are not overreacting! I am very surprised that the police did not look into this. I would speak to a lawyer or lodge a complaint with the police department. Drugging someone without their consent is assault. Please at the very least go see a councillor as this is a violation of your trust and sense of safety. It is good you remove yourself from that group. I hope the females in that group no what happened as there is a predator amongst them. I'm the meantime take care of yourself. I will miss your most excellent blog, but your self care comes first! All the best darling. <3

  5. Hey, there. I've never commented on your blog before, but I've enjoyed reading and getting inspired for different costuming ideas. And while I will miss reading, I really think you are doing the right thing. I'm so very sorry about what happened to you. It's a terrible, terrifying thing. While I've not gone through exactly that same experience, I understand that awful feeling of fear that comes with it. And it's hard for people to understand sometimes why it's so hard to make that fear go away. But it's there, cold and empty, and it takes time for it to fade. And sometimes, the only way to make that happen, is to retreat and get away from the place and people and everything that was involved in that experience.

    I hope that you are able to focus on your book, if that's where you decide to turn your writing. And I hope that you able to find a community of friends where you are comfortable again. Take care of yourself. Follow your heart -- even if it means never coming back to Steampunk again. But there is a time to challenge yourself and a time to just make sure that you're taking care of yourself, and I definitely think that taking care of yourself is the right decision for you right now.

    Be well!

  6. I don't have any words to express how sorry I am for what happend to you! It is a terrible thing and it's even worse when I read that it happend around people you felt comfortable being around and how the authorities treated you. I wish you all the best on your way to happier days and I hope you will feel better soon, not for the blog's sake but for your own. Please take care of yourself!

  7. I have been reading this blog for a long time, and I have never commented before. I just wanted to let you know (even though many other people will probably tell you this) that in my time reading your blog I almost feel like I know you, and I have seen that you are a very strong person. You have had troubles and they have never been able to fully bring you down; you always find something to boost your spirits. I support your decision, I hope that you're okay, and I just wanted you to know that you're awesome and a lot of people (myself included) will look up to and appreciate you no matter what happens.

  8. I first discovered your blog only a few months ago. I've subsequently read it almost entirely. I will miss seeing new updates as I've thoroughly enjoyed your writing and hopefully some day you'll be in a place where you enjoy and look forward to adding more. That said, you have to take care of you. You can change every single aspect of your life and there will still be one person you can never avoid. You'll see them in every reflection you pass. It only makes sense, to me at least, to be sure that you're always prioritizing the impact of your choices on that person. Good luck, and take care!

  9. Wow, I only discovered your blog this evening. I'm so sorry for what has happened to you and that you won't be continuing to post. I hope that you are doing well and that you are working on your novel. I too am working on a novel set in the late Victorian era, though I'm not part of any real-life Victorian scene. After what happened to you, I don't blame you for wanting to take a break and it's terrible that charges were not laid.

    My blog is the result of writing my novel. Writing my novel was the result of a traumatic experience as well. I wasn't drugged, but I relied on pain killers for over a year as I battled a life-threatening spinal cord infection that changed my life and who I am. I hope you find some expression of yourself to let you carry on all of your pre-existing interests. i hope your novel is going well. And I hope that, if you ever do feel like writing about some aspect of everyday Victorian life or an 1890s Victorian author, you will consider writing a guest post for my blog. http://1890swriters.blogspot.ca/